When you’re in an affair, it’s normal to wonder if the person you’re with is using you.
Even though an affair is not a regular relationship, you can still want real care and honesty from the person you’re seeing.
If you feel like you’re not being treated well or you’re not sure about their feelings, it’s natural to wonder if they care about you, or if they’re just in it for something else.
Affairs are tricky and not as straightforward as normal relationships, so it’s understandable to have these doubts.
In this article, we’re going to talk about the important clues that can show you if your affair partner might be using you. Let’s explore these signs together.
1. Lack of Interest in Your Personal Life
Ever noticed how conversations with your affair partner mostly revolve around them or just the affair? That’s a red flag.
When someone’s using you, they often show little to no interest in your personal life. Your achievements, challenges, or daily stories don’t seem to pique their curiosity.
It’s not just about them not asking questions; it’s also about their responses when you share something. A disinterested “Hmm” or a quick subject change is a telltale sign.
Conversations can be a great indicator too. Does your partner often cut you off when you’re sharing something about your day?
Or worse, do they seem distracted, constantly checking their phone or looking around? These actions speak volumes. It means they’re not emotionally invested in you or your experiences.
And let’s talk about empathy, or rather, the lack of it. When you’re upset or going through a rough time, do they seem dismissive? A partner who’s using you will often downplay your feelings or problems.
They might even get irritated if your issues interfere with the affair.
2. They Avoid Public Interaction
Spotting this one can be tricky. Think about how often your affair partner agrees to meet in public. Do they always insist on privacy?
Sure, discretion is common in affairs, but there’s a difference between being discreet and being invisible. When someone is using you, they will avoid being seen with you in public at all costs.
They don’t just avoid popular spots, but any form of public interaction that might expose the relationship.
If you pay attention to their body language when you’re out, you’ll notice that they keep a noticeable distance, or seem nervous and constantly on the lookout.
This behavior goes beyond the fear of getting caught. It’s about them not wanting to be associated with you publicly, which is a clear sign that they don’t see a future or any substantial value in the relationship.
[Also Read: 5 Body Language Signs Of A Manipulator]
3. The Relationship is Mostly Physical
Physical intimacy is a significant part of any romantic relationship, but it shouldn’t be the only part. Notice how your interactions with your affair partner are structured.
For them, it’s all about physical intimacy. They lose interest quickly post-intimacy or avoid non-sexual activities.
When someone is using you, they often show a lack of interest in spending quality time together beyond the bedroom.
Also, how do they respond to suggestions of non-physical activities? If proposing a movie night or a simple coffee date is met with excuses or disinterest, that’s a sign.
They should be excited to spend time with you, not just when it leads to intimacy.
Another point to consider is the emotional connection during intimate moments. Do they seem detached or purely focused on their satisfaction?
A meaningful relationship should include emotional closeness and mutual care, even in physical intimacy. If it feels one-sided, you might want to reevaluate the nature of your relationship.
4. Communication is Inconsistent
Ever felt like you’re on a communication rollercoaster? One day, your affair partner is all over you with messages and calls, and then suddenly, they’re MIA.
Inconsistency is a classic trait of someone who’s using you. They reach out when it’s convenient for them or when they want something, without considering your feelings.
Pay attention to their response times. Do they often take hours or even days to reply to your messages, yet expect prompt responses when they initiate contact?
The pattern shows a lack of respect for your time and feelings.
Something else to think about is the quality of communication. When they do reach out, are their conversations deep and meaningful, or do they seem superficial and rushed?
Someone who’s invested in you will want to have meaningful interactions, not just touch base when they need something.
5. They Rarely Compromise or Adjust Plans for You
Ever noticed how your schedules and plans always have to bend around their availability? That’s a significant indicator.
Someone using you often refuses to compromise or adjust their plans to accommodate you. It’s always about what works for them.
You might find yourself constantly having to change your schedule or cancel plans just to meet them.
They are never willing to go out of their way for you, it’s always you traveling the extra mile. In a balanced relationship, both parties should be willing to make an effort.
Also, consider how they react when you can’t make it. Do they get overly upset or give you the silent treatment?
This behavior is a form of manipulation, signaling that they’re more interested in what you can do for them rather than building a mutual, caring relationship.
6. They’re Financially Dependent on You
Are they always reaching for your wallet? A partner who’s using you might often rely on you for financial support. It starts small, maybe a few dinners or gifts, but then it escalates.
They might begin asking for larger sums of money, loans, or expensive gifts. Watch out for how they handle money matters.
If they seem entitled to your financial resources or get upset when you can’t or won’t provide monetary assistance, that’s a clear warning sign.
It’s not just about the asking; it’s also about how they repay you.
Do they conveniently forget to pay you back or make excuses for not being able to?
Additionally, observe how they react when you suggest more budget-friendly activities or dates.
If they lose interest or seem disappointed when high spending isn’t involved, it indicates that their interest in you might be materially motivated.
[Interesting: 10 Body Language Signs Someone Is Lying]
7. They Rarely Show Genuine Affection or Appreciation
Does it feel like they’re just going through the motions, or do their gestures of affection feel sincere?
Someone who’s using you might perform acts of affection as a means to an end, rather than out of genuine care or love.
Pay attention to the little things. Do they say ‘thank you’ for the things you do, or do they just take your efforts for granted?
A person who values you will acknowledge and appreciate the small acts of kindness you show.
And if your displays of love and care are met with indifference or minimal response, it could be a sign that their feelings are not as deep or genuine as yours.
8. Post-Intimacy Detachment
Watch how they act post-intimacy. Is there a noticeable shift in their behavior? Someone using you might be affectionate and attentive before being intimate, but once it’s over, they change.
They might become distant, start looking at their phone, or even make excuses to leave. The switch in demeanor is a glaring signal that their interest is primarily physical.
What about your conversations after intimate moments? Do they engage in any meaningful talk, or is it all about getting dressed and planning the next meet-up?
Post-intimacy interactions should involve a level of comfort and closeness, not just a rush to move on to the next thing.
And then, contact isn’t frequent. They go silent for days after meeting up, only to reappear when they want to be intimate again.
Consistent patterns of this nature indicate that the relationship might be more about physical gratification than an emotional connection.
9. Dismissive of Your Emotions
Notice if they’re dismissive of your feelings. Does your partner discourage you from expressing emotions, labeling you as ‘too sensitive’ or ‘clingy’?
By invalidating your feelings, they’re controlling the relationship to suit their needs, not yours.
And when you express needs or desires in the relationship they easily brush them off. A partner who’s using you will often ignore your needs or make you feel guilty for having them.
They might even turn the situation around and accuse you of being selfish for wanting more than what they’re willing to give.
Pay attention to how they handle conflicts or disagreements. They won’t be willing to discuss and resolve issues, rather they will shut down communication, leaving your concerns unaddressed.
It shows a lack of commitment to the relationship’s health and your well-being.
10. Secretive About Personal Life
How much do you know about them? A user often keeps you in the dark about their personal life.
They might share surface-level details, but when it comes to deeper, more personal information, they’re a closed book.
When you ask about their life, dreams, or past, they give vague answers or change the subject. This evasiveness is a sign that they’re keeping you at arm’s length because they’re not invested in a genuine connection.
[Also Read: 7 Signs Of Stupidity]
11. Convenience-Based Interest
Gauge their interest based on their convenience. Do they only show up or express affection when they need something or when it’s convenient for them?
Their interest peaks when they have something to gain, whether physical, emotional, or even material.
Notice the timing of their attention. Is it sporadic and unpredictable, often coinciding with their own needs or desires?
Genuine affection and interest should be consistent and not just surface when they want something.
And if they get upset, guilt-trip you, or go silent when you’re not available to meet their needs, it’s a strong indicator that their interest in the relationship is conditional, based on what they can extract from it rather than a mutual, caring connection.
12. Lack of Emotional Support During Personal Crises
A telling sign is their absence of emotional support during your crises. In a balanced relationship, even an affair, partners often provide a shoulder to lean on during tough times.
If your partner is conspicuously absent or indifferent when you’re facing personal difficulties, it’s a strong indicator that they’re not emotionally invested in you.
It goes beyond being unsupportive; it shows a lack of empathy and a self-centered approach to the relationship.
Reflect on how they’ve reacted in the past when you’ve needed support. Have they been understanding and caring, or have they seemed uninterested or even annoyed?
How to deal with an affair partner That’s Using You
If you suspect your affair partner is using you, start by having a genuine conversation with them.
Share your feelings and concerns openly, and listen to their side as well. This dialogue can help both of you understand each other’s intentions and expectations.
Next, evaluate the relationship in terms of your own needs and values. Consider whether it brings you happiness and fulfillment or if it’s causing you distress.
Ultimately, trust your instincts. If you continue to feel used and the relationship doesn’t align with your well-being, it may be time to make the difficult decision to end the affair.
